My body through a 3 year old's eyes

My son makes me laugh. He makes me laugh every single day, in fact. This weekend was a whirlwind of body image issues for both of us. On Saturday, he told me I was skinny. The urge to just hug and kiss him to smithereens was overwhelming. But the bottom line is that he's learning what new words and concepts mean, and it's my job to make sure he gets accurate information. So in the interest of telling the truth, I gently told him that Mommy isn't skinny, but that I'm plump. Of course, I wanted to say "voluptuous," but c'mon, the kid is only three. The other thing that I worried about in that moment is that I didn't want him to see me get overly excited about being called skinny. Skinny is skinny and plump is plump. Period. Quite frankly, I think he enjoys the plumpness to an unfathomable degree. He loves to just fold himself into me while we're reading stories on the couch. He calls me squishy and giggles.

Well, then Sunday rolled around. At some point in the day, he ran up to me and exclaimed, "Mommy, you BUMPY!" all the while poking my fleshy belly. Nice. Really nice. I think I'll take an incorrect skinny over bumpy any day of the week. But it still made me laugh. Well, until he added "wrinkly" to the equation. For the rest of the day I was bumpy and wrinkly. Bumpy = funny. Bumpy AND wrinkly = a lifetime in Catholic school for you, mister!

There was also an event of monumental proportions happening in our household this weekend -- our son basically potty-trained himself. So, we've been trying to be very open about body parts and not infuse any self-consciousness into our son's life. I have to say that watching him admire his booty, completely decked out in Thomas the Train underwear, helped me relax about my own body image issues. When was the last time I had fun like that just by looking at myself in the mirror? When did I stop trying on outrageous hats and scarves and sunglasses? When did I stop allowing myself to just have fun with fashion? Shouldn't I be able to admire the parts of my body that I love the most instead of obsessing over the ones I don't? Yes, I should. Fun and weight do not have to be tied together. The truth is that there are parts of my body that I absolutely love. I mean love like other people love money. Or sex. Or fame. Or chocolate. My teeth are awesome. My eyes smile before my mouth does. My lips are full and beautiful. I love how I look when I've just gotten out of the shower and my hair (or lack thereof) is wrapped in a towel. I love my short sassy hair. I have great ankles. My small-ish head looks great in big fancy hats.

So there it is. I celebrate those things just because I can. The next time I'm out and I see a rack of sensational hats, I'm going to try them all on. Then, I'll look in the mirror and admire the me who smiles back.

Thank God for Geneen Roth

I started off my day with some reading, which is usually the case for me. It helps me wake up and join the world on an intellectual note. Okay, so sometimes my reading is not all that intellectual (think any Jodi Picoult novel), but this morning, I picked up the copy of Geneen Roth's Feeding the Hungry Heart that I picked up from the library. Have you ever read a book and been overwhelmed with gratitude that the author put their thoughts out there for the world to see? That's how I feel about Geneen Roth. Her writing career has been dedicated to the experience of and healing from disordered eating, but she doesn't give details of a new diet or exercise program. Instead, her writing urges the reader to take back their power and heal the emotional issues that cause disordered eating in the first place. Let me tell you, it's tough, and she doesn't pretend that it isn't.

My weight has been an issue for me since i was 9 years old. That's when I was first put on a diet. I don't know if my pediatrician recommended it to my parents or if it was something that they thought was necessary, but I have always had hard feelings toward my Mom for putting me on that first diet. It has led to a lifetime of weighing and measuring food, weighing and measuring myself, defining good foods, defining bad foods, berating myself for "falling off the wagon," and spending way more money than should have been spent on diet plans, products, and gizmos. And now, at 35, I AM TIRED. The one thing that I am sure of with regards to my weight is that traditional diet plans do not work for me. A binge inevitably follows, as do the self-deprecating thoughts. The last thing I need is another diet.

So, I'm going in a different direction. A more gentle and self-loving direction. I am going to eat. I am going to enjoy what I eat. I am going to enjoy time spent with friends and family in restaurants instead of counting calories, points, fat grams, etc. I am going to pay attention to my body for the first time since I was 9. I'll do the quick math for you - it's been 26 YEARS since I paid attention to what my body really wants and needs. That's crazy. How much time have I spent addressing my weight without listening to my body?

When I'm hungry, I will eat. When I'm not, I will challenge myself to figure out what's really going on and address the issues with something other than food. I will not eat what I don't like simply because "I should." I will free myself from the years of shoulds, have tos, and don'ts that I have bombarded myself with. And I will be free to eat with gusto and joy.